


Becoming (Bigger on the Inside)

by Canaan



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, Other, Stand Alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-17
Updated: 2011-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-20 12:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/212692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canaan/pseuds/Canaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times the Doctor avoided Captain Jack Harkness, and the moment he knew he'd grown.  Contains one minor spoiler for EoT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Becoming (Bigger on the Inside)

**Author's Note:**

> A series of drabbles, canon-compliant and completely stand alone. Beta'd by Aibhinn and Yamx, but I've made changes since then. Disclaimer: RTD and the BBC own all.

It could have been a friendly shag. Just to get it out of their systems. Just to make sure neither of them-- _neither_ of them, dammit--was looking at a nineteen-year-old girl he'd promised Jackie Tyler he'd keep safe.

Jack wasn't really his type, but nine hundred years was a long time. Enough to have learned that on the right kind of day, you might fall into bed with someone you usually wouldn't, and given the right encouragement, you might try anything. Two or three times, even.

It would've been friendly.

The Doctor knew it would never have been _harmless_.

***

  
It could have been a kiss. Just one kiss. Just . . . not the kiss Jack had to steal.

It would have gone like this: hands on shoulders, drawing Jack in close. A press of lips to surprised human lips with just enough tilt of the head to ensure they didn't bash noses. Jack would have responded enthusiastically, his mouth falling open before the Doctor's tongue, letting the Doctor lead, but encouraging him by sucking and nibbling.

It wouldn't have changed anything, but Jack would have known that he was appreciated--that he was loved--before he left to face the Daleks.

***

  
He could have swallowed his gut-deep aversion and found Jack after he lost Rose. He'd have told Jack she was still alive. Jack might have hit him, but the Doctor'd had worse.

The explanations would have come later. The Doctor could apologize; this regeneration apologized so easily.

Jack would have poured them both a drink. They'd have remembered her to each other. Jack would've dragged the Doctor close for a kiss. They'd have ended up in bed, numbing pain with the movement of flesh against sweat-slicked flesh. It would have been comfort, when the universe itself offered none to them.

***

  
Aboard his poor, damaged TARDIS, he could have found Jack in the shower or sought his bed. Maybe it would've been sex, or just a moment's companionship between two men who would always be alone.

The Doctor could have gone to him after the Master's funeral pyre. Jack would have held him while he wept, while he raged, while he stood stone-faced and let the wild universe hurtle around him. Jack would have taken care of him. Jack would never turn him away. Jack would always forgive him, even if he didn't understand.

That was what the Doctor couldn't bear.

***

  
He could have gone back for Jack after locking Donna's memories away. When Jack gave his heart, he gave it completely, and he hadn't yet given it to Ianto Jones. The Doctor'd never been blind to the real feeling behind Jack's flirting; he knew who'd win the day.

They could have been two old bachelors together, exploring bits of the universe neither one had seen, yet. The Doctor would never have had to come across in any physical way. Jack's having _him_ was never a requirement to his having Jack.

And he knew he could still have Jack, even now.

***

  
Jack had wrapped a bottle around himself like armour. The Doctor knew why. He couldn't have interfered, but he hadn't been able to face Jack, after.

Jack looked from him to the note and back again.

 _You made the choice no one else could,_ the Doctor thought. _It was brilliant and terrible. I couldn't help. I couldn't save him, no more than I can turn back the death I've trapped within this body._

 _I never could be what you need, Jack, and you shouldn't need my approval, but . . . I approve._

 _It isn't everything you wanted. But I hope it's enough._


End file.
